Life is a journey filled with a rich tapestry of experiences, emotions, and lessons. For me, this journey has been deeply intertwined with my faith, a profound connection to Hashem that has guided me through the highest peaks and the lowest valleys. Today, I find myself on a path that feels both new and familiar, a journey of rediscovery that brings me closer to my true self and to Hashem.
The Path of Pain and Healing
My journey has not been without its challenges. There were times when the pain and trauma of life's experiences made me question everything, including my faith. In 2015, I found myself lost, covered with protective layers meant to shield me from a broken world. In those moments, survival was my only goal. The world felt harsh and unforgiving, and I couldn't understand how my suffering fit into Hashem's plan. My faith wavered, and with it, I lost a part of myself.
Over the years, I attempted to piece together my shattered spirit. Healing came in fragments, but those pieces never seemed to fit perfectly. There was no space to be broken, let alone to heal. Life demanded that I keep moving forward, relentlessly pursuing my dreams despite the pain. I refused to let my trauma steal more from me. I focused on my goals, earning my law degree and becoming a lawyer. My anger at the world and its injustices was ever-present, but it did not fuel my determination. Instead, it served as a constant reminder of the cost of innocent faith.
During this time, I often felt like I was living a double life. Outwardly, I was achieving my goals, ticking off milestones, and appearing successful. Inwardly, I was struggling with a deep sense of loss and confusion. The pieces of my healing were scattered, and every time I tried to put them together, they broke again. The world seemed to have no space for brokenness, only for moving on. I had to keep my face up, keep going, because admitting to my brokenness would mean risking everything I had worked so hard to achieve.
The Cost of Survival
However, this success came at a cost. I learned to navigate the practicalities of the world, but in doing so, I buried my true self. My spirit, light and airy, was suppressed by the weight of earthbound choices. I accepted the world as it was, and my dreams became the only refuge for my spark. I was told that my authentic self couldn't survive in this world, and what I had to endure, I believed it.
I learned to be grounded, to live in reality. But this grounding felt suffocating. My spirit longed to be free, to follow the wind and flow like water. Earth, with its demands and restrictions, was slowly killing my inner self. It was in this moment of near-suffocation that my true essence, my air and water soul, began to rise again.
Living in the clouds, following the wind, my spirit is light. I am also water, nurturing and emotional, flowing with the currents of life. I am everything but earth, although I can be fire sometimes. Earth suffocates me. It really does. I have learned that, and it is interesting because it was at that moment of almost pure suffocation of my soul by my earth choices—my lifestyle, my choices to survive—that my inner air and water soul rose again. My inner self was about to die forever, and when it became true, is when I broke free of the cycle of my trauma—the consequences of it—the loss of my authentic self. And automatically, I felt my faith being full with Hashem’s presence in my heart exactly as it was in the last days of 2014.
But How did it happen? The Turning Point: October 7, 2023
The events of October 7 shook me to my core. Witnessing the further brokenness of our world, my soul screamed and cried out, refusing to accept the world as it was. This profound moment of anguish led me to volunteer in Israel, to help the country and our community, to help humanity. I did not expect that in doing so, and in going there during a time of war, Israel would help me back. I didn't go for that purpose, but it became the catalyst for my true healing.
In the midst of chaos and darkness, I found hope. I witnessed the goodness around me and felt my hope for the world rekindle. This hope is essential for me to feel alive. In those difficult times, I felt seen for who I truly am and realized that it was okay to be myself. I no longer needed to hide my true self to survive, live, or thrive in this world. After that realization, there was no going back.
The experience of volunteering in Israel was transformative. It was not just about helping others but about reconnecting with my roots and my faith in a profound way. I was surrounded by a community that shared my values, my struggles, and my hopes. For the first time in a long while, I felt that I belonged. I saw the resilience and strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity, and it reignited my belief in the goodness that exists even in the darkest times.
Tfzat, Israel (2024)
Rediscovering My Faith
It started in January 2024, as my inner self reawakened, I felt Hashem's presence fill my heart once more, just as it had in the final days of 2014. My faith, which had been buried under layers of survival, came alive. I realized that my journey was bringing me full circle, back to my authentic self. But this time, I wasn't just relying on faith—I had the knowledge and experience of truly knowing Hashem.
This rediscovery of faith has been the most liberating experience of my life. I am not just returning to my old self; I am integrating the lessons learned from my hardships. I am stronger, more committed to my path, and more connected to Hashem than ever before.
Cherishing My Journey
Although I am not fully "home" yet, I am on my way. The struggles I still face are welcomed as they teach me more about my strength and Hashem's love. Life is not a perfect circle but a spiral that brings me closer to my true self with each turn.
In embracing my journey, I have come to appreciate every nuance of my life—the good and the bad, the happiness and the sorrow, the pain and the healing. Each experience brings me closer to Hashem and to enlightenment. I am grateful for the life I am living, for it is real and full of growth.
This journey has taught me to accept myself fully, to embrace my strengths and my weaknesses, and to find beauty in my imperfections. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable, to show my true self, and to seek support when needed. I have also learned the importance of community, of being surrounded by people who understand and support me.
As I stand on the edge, ready to catch the next wave, I am reminded that life, like surfing, is about finding balance and riding the highs and lows with faith and resilience.
Note to self:
Today, I stand at the crossroads of my journey, feeling more alive and free than ever before. My faith is not just a part of me; it is the foundation upon which I build my life. As I continue to rediscover what it means to be my true self, I am committed to my path and to Hashem. I am coming home, and with each step, I feel His presence guiding me, teaching me, and loving me.
This journey is my story, and I am grateful for every moment of it.
As I look to the future, I am filled with hope and excitement. I know that there will be challenges ahead, but I am ready to face them with faith and resilience.
I am committed to living a life that is true to myself, to my values, and to Hashem.
I am coming home to “me”.
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